


Show Me What I’m Really Living For

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Rise of Skywalker [4]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drunk Poe Dameron, Force Bond (Star Wars), Implied/Referenced Torture, Luke Skywalker Is An Asshole, M/M, Meg Myers songfic, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Torture, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 11:36:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19084222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Rey learns more about Ben’s past thanks to Poe getting drunk.





	Show Me What I’m Really Living For

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Character In Distress
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Title inspired by “Motel” by Meg Myers, which is basically my interpretation of Poe’s state after finding out Kylo’s identity in song form.

It was after a nightmare where she had awoken feeling Kylo’s pain and grief all but blasting across the bond like a strong wind that Rey found herself drawn to the main hold of the Falcon. Even as she entered, remembering when she and Finn had watched BB-8 presenting the last piece of the map to Luke, she noticed Poe at the table, hair limp, drinking something from a mug. It was as she got closer and smelled him that she realized he was drunk. She knew that smell, from her earliest memories of her parents.   
  
“Are you okay?” Rey said, hesitantly. She couldn’t help but ask. Maybe it was the wrong thing entirely to ask, of course, but she couldn’t help but be worried about Poe. She didn’t think she would, actually, at least for the man who she had disagreed with.   
  
“Fine. It’s just...hard, that’s all.” Poe’s words were more than a bit slurred. “Had a bad night.”  
  
Rey nodded. She couldn’t say that she blamed him, actually. After all, she had had a bad night too. In between feeling Kylo Ren’s pain over the Bond she shared with him — just because he wasn’t appearing in front of her didn’t mean that the Bond was severed — and plenty more, she wasn’t up for going back to sleep, actually.   
  
“You want to talk about it?”   
  
“Why not? I mean, I’m drunk enough.”  
  
Rey nodded. “How much did you have to...”  
  
“Drink? Maybe a few.” Poe hiccuped. “Not the first time I’ve gotten drunk over Ben, though he didn’t have a hell of a mean streak back then...”  
  
That, Rey thought, was putting it mildly.   
  
Poe continued. “He was such a sweet kid. And as he got older, I just...fell in love with him. I couldn’t help it. I mean, it’s like...he was beautiful and strong and funny, and I thought it would be a miracle if he loved me in return. But not now. Now, Rey, I don’t even know.”  
  
Rey swallowed. “I’m sorry for you,” she said softly.   
  
“Thanks. I mean, General Organa wouldn’t get it. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was throwing a party that her son could just be...put down like a rabid kath hound.”  
  
Rey flinched. “Don’t say that.” She couldn’t picture any mother rejoicing over having to kill their child.   
  
“You don’t know her like I do. She was scared of Ben. And after...what I now know was his fall, she decided to just brush things under the cargo hold. Maybe he was a dirty secret to her, but not to me. He just couldn’t be.” Poe’s voice cracked. “And he tortured me. He tortured me, and I still love who he was. Am I just...insane?”  
  
“The best people are,” Rey said. “You could say we’re all insane to a degree or we wouldn’t be here.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Really. From the outside, I can imagine resistance looks like insanity.”  
  
“Probably.” A beat. “Rey...did you find out why he fell? Did he tell you?”  
  
 _Don’t make me do this, Poe,_ she thought. _It’ll break your heart._  
  
“Luke,” Rey said, after a while. He had a right to know, even if it hurt. “Luke...thought of killing him. Because of seeing darkness in him.”  
  
Poe’s eyes widened. “But...but he saved his father!” he said. “How the _kriff...”_  
  
“He made a mistake — ”  
  
“No, no, forgetting your keys is a mistake. This...he tried to hurt my friend, my...my...”  
  
Poe trailed off. It seemed that even in his drunk state, he couldn’t find words. Then he said, “My treasure.”  
  
Rey swallowed again. “I’m sorry, Poe. I wish it had been different.”  
  
“And he lied to us, that kriffing coward. He lied to us all the way up to his dying breath. He...” Poe sighed. “When I was a kid, I thought he was cool. Now...I don’t know what I want to do. Tell everyone, maybe.”  
  
Rey wished she could say she was surprised that Luke lied. After all, he had lied to her, about Ben attacking first.   
  
“He still saved us,” she said, weakly.   
  
“Trying to kill a member of your family isn’t automatically outweighed by the good you did. Even if he’s the reason we’re safe now.” Poe sighed. “Luke didn’t tell you. About Ben’s nightmares. About how there was this kriffing monster in his head and I couldn’t...get it out of him...”  
  
It made sense. “So the Dark Side was preying on him from a young age,” she said.   
  
“Would make sense. It’s not kriffing fair.”  
  
Rey took a deep breath. “If I get back in contact with Kylo, somehow, should I tell him...”  
  
Poe nodded. “Tell him I’m waiting for him.”  
  
“I will.”


End file.
